SOMETHING TO REMEMBER HIM BY

I could have sat in my easy chair and binge-watched Bonanza on tv, sipping on Dr Peppers and iced tea, taking breaks only to go smoke another cigarette, just like Dad did. When we think of remembering a loved one that’s passed away, I think our first thought (or mine anyways) is to copy a habit they did simply because it reminds us of them and do it “in honor” of them. I did this the day dad passed away by buying some Seagrams 7 and drinking on it while I worked on the funeral video, even though my dad had been sober for over a decade.

Something that really spurs me on as a wife and mother is how I want to be remembered when I’m gone. I’ve thought about it for many years but especially after losing my dad. Whether we are intentional about it or not, we are leaving a legacy.

Dad refused help until he couldn’t refuse it anymore and the day he finally let me take him to the emergency room, he was barely able to walk. No, actually, he couldn’t walk. It took four of us to get him to my van and I still don’t understand how we did it. It brings tears to my eyes to remember that moment because he of how unstable he was and I thought he was going to collapse at any moment.

His legs were shaking so bad and I could tell this was the hardest he’d ever had to work. I begged him to let us get him a chair to sit for a minute but he insisted that we keep going. I can’t find the right words to fully describe that moment, watching his legs wobble forward one in front of the other, except to say it was just horribly sad. We made it to my van somehow and found out that day why…he had a tumor on his brain.

I watched my Dad make mistakes, battle alcoholism, make more mistakes, and then always right on cue…be willing to start over. My Dad wasn’t afraid to admit where he was wrong and was willing to start all over again, even if it meant starting all the way over at the very bottom of the totem pole at a job. Ironically, he has a daughter that has made a lot of mistakes too.

One day in 2014, as I was crying and feeling so much shame about to walk into a scary situation I said to him “I’m thankful you guys still love me even though I’ve made so many mistakes.” And he said “til death do us part Tinker, that will never change.” Death has parted us and I’m so grateful for the characteristics of my Dad that shine in me. I may not be where I want to be in life, but I’m never afraid to start over. We’re never too far gone and it’s never too late. Admit your faults, be honest with your reality, and just start over. Plain and simple.

When we get off track, we don’t need to beat ourselves up for it. Have compassion for the version of you that messed up and get back on track as soon as you can. I teach my clients this in The Reset Course. Picture yourself driving down the interstate and let’s say you notice you missed your exit.  Do you drive for 5 hours sulking in your regret that you got off track? No LOL.  As soon as you realize you missed the exit or made a wrong turn, you just turn it around.  It’s not even a big deal. The next time you see yourself sulking in your frustration that you got off track, picture yourself on the interstate.  How many hours are you going to allow yourself to drive before you just turn around?

It sounds so silly when you think of it that way, but we literally do this.  Some people got off track 10 years ago and they still haven’t turned back around. I love the version of my Dad that was always willing to start over and I love that I’m just like him in that.

Dad, bless his heart, did not take great care of his physical body though. He was extremely overweight, he drank a lot of Dr Pepper, smoked about 2 packs of cigarettes a day, and his goal every day was to move the least amount possible. Very sedentary. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink Dr Pepper every day, but I have not taken very good care of myself in the last four years.

When the year anniversary of his passing was getting closer I knew I wanted to do something in honor of him I just really struggled to think of what it could be…because he didn’t really do much besides work (and smoke cigarettes, sleep, eat, and repeat lol). When I thought about all that, it made me so sad, as his daughter, because maybe I always wonder if I could have had more time with him if he had taken better care of himself. No way to really know of course.

I don’t want my kids to have to tell me goodbye in 23 years when I’m the age my dad was when he died. Wow, 23 years? Well, if I don’t get back on track with taking care of my physical body I’m headed down the same path. So to honor Dad, I decided that I wanted to do something that would be healthy for us all and I had the idea that we would go on a family hike.

It’s something we can all do together and even if we’re apart (as my kids keep getting older they won’t always be here with me to do this) we can do it by ourselves wherever we’re at). A hike encourages us to take care of our physical body, it’s challenging, and it’s a great way to process emotions. (Emotions are just energy in motion so this is why when you’re upset you feel like crying, screaming, punching a pillow, or working out.)

We chose a little place here in Kansas for our first time. It was a beautiful overcast morning and by the time we got there the sun started to peek out for us. We started not knowing what the trail would lead us to but let’s just say we’re glad we took water because it was a great workout. When we got to our destination 30 mins later, I had two questions for everyone to answer in remembrance of Papa:

• “Tell us of something you’ve noticed in this last year you wanted to share with Papa and couldn’t.”
• “Tell us something you wish you could share with him right now.”

We shed some tears and continued forward to finish our hike. And just like I thought, the movement helped me process as I sobbed nearly the whole way back. I can’t wait to see all the places we choose to go in the future for our hikes to remember Dad. I think it would be cool to make it a goal to do it in as many states as we can, don’t you think? If you have any favorite places, please please share them below!

We love you Dad🖤